"You have to find a way to say goodbye."
These are the words the facilitator of my Survivors of Suicide support group said. They hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was on the exact 2 month anniversary since my mom chose to take her life and the word, goodbye, had never even occurred to me. I know it sounds silly... my mom died and she's not coming back but the thought of goodbye had never entered my mind. I knew I needed closure and I knew I wanted to deal with it in a healthy way....but I truly never thought about saying goodbye to her. It seems simple...but I don't know how. How do you say goodbye to the only mom you'll ever have? To the mom that CHOSE to leave me? CHOSE to leave my daughters, her granddaughters behind?
I didn't sleep all last night thinking about it. We didn't have a funeral for her. She wanted to be cremated and sprinkled in California where she grew up and where her mother's grave is. She was estranged from just about everyone close to her, including my brother and I, so a funeral for a handful of people under these circumstances didn't feel right. My brother and I instead are opting to follow her wishes of taking her ashes to California but we haven't done it yet. So that leaves me with, how do I say goodbye to her now and here? Well, I thought about it all night and decided that this is how. This blog.
This is my personal journey in letting go of my mom and her choice to end her own life.